Monday, 24 August 2015

दीपावली चुटकुले

मजेदार दीपावली दिवाली SMS Jokes Diwali चुटकुले 


He: Samosa khaogi?
She: Nahi aajkal main light khaa rahi hun
He: Bhaiyya, 2 Syska LED with diwali wali lights as dessert.
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Girl: When is Diwali?
Reply: 3rd Nov
Boy: When Is Diwali?
Reply: Soja Gadhe Tuje konse Bade bomb Fodne hai
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Why Boys get Blocked on Whataspp!!
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Boy: What’s your Name?
Girl: Palak and you??
Boy: Paneer!!!
*BLOCKED!!!*
Girl: What’s UP?
Boy: Uttar Pradesh
*BLOCKED!!!*
Girl: tu Soya hai?
Boy: Nahi! Mungfali hun..!
*BLOCKED!!!*
Girl: See ya!
Boy: Var Ram chandar ki jai!
*BLOCKED!!!*
Girl: Have a Good Day.
Boy: No thank u… I like Parle-G more.
*BLOCKED turant!!!
Boy: Thank you.
Girl: My Pleasure.
Boy: My Bajaj Pulsar.
*BLOCKED Forever!!!*
And the best one..
After fight: Girl: Tum toh mujhe manaate hi
nahi!!
Boy: Tum kya ho? Diwali ho? EID ho? Ya Holi?
*BLOCKED!!!
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Dear Friends,
Maine ye msg aapko  Diwali ki badhayi dene ke liye kiya hai. Aaj is Aazadi ke avsar par humein ye Rakhi ka tyohaar acche se manana chahiye aur gharon mein Deepak laga kar Holi khelni  chahiye, kyunki aaj hi k din Gandhiji ne Ravan ko markar  Mahabharat ka Yudh jeeta tha aur America ko aazad karaya tha. Isliye ek baar  fir se aapko Janam din ki bahut-2 shubhkamnayein.
Ishwar aapko Bhaang me Bheege is msg ko jhelne ki shakti de.
"MERRY X'MAS"
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HANGOVER OF DIWALI

Next day of DIWALI the boss entered the briefing room & said,
'LETS START'.
Half sleepy employee threw a 100 rupee note & said "MERI SAU KI BLIND"!!
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Diwali Greetings Effect: No text reading at all..
Friends text message : Bhai Mera station road me Accident ho gaya hai jaldi aa..!!
Replied message : Thank You and Same to You and Your Family!!!
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diya, diya, diya aur diya...
Kaamwali ko bakshish diya
Clients ko gift diya
Staff ko bonus diya
Family ko gifts diya
Friend ko gift diya
Padosiyon ko gift diya...
Now I know why Diwali is a festival of 'diyas'
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Start your diwali.....by saying simple prayer...
"O Mere 33 crore devi devtao. ...
Mujhe zayada kuch nahi chahiye. bus aap sab ek ek Rupiya dedo"
Baki saab moh maya hai
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IMPORTANT MESSAGE !!

Forward to all whom you care for:
This Diwali Don't eat Dairy Milk or any other Cadbury product specially 5 star or silk.
Because
it causes severe stomach pain
when "eaten without me"
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This Diwali, be careful when wishing people "Hardik Shubhkamnaye" as text msg...
If wrongly typed or auto corrected, it could be read as:
"Hard Dick Subah Kaam Na Aaye!"
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Instead of burning a phataka ,,,
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Date a phataka...!!!

Have an eco-friendly diwali..
Applicable to bachelors only!
Coz married people are already living with nuclear Bomb
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Diwali special:
Good news
"Dhan Teras ko Sone Ka Rate 35,000 rahega."
Regards,
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Sunny Leone.
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Diwali is a Festival of Lights,
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milds, regular and choti Goldflake.
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Champak: Mummy Hum Diwali ke Saare PATAKHE Is Dukan Se hi lenge.
Mom: Beta Ye Dukan Nahi Hai GIRLS HOSTEL Hai.
Champak : Par Papa To Kehte THe Ki Yaha 1 Se 1
PATAKHE Hai..
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Be Eco friendly....
Celebrate noise free " Diwali "
Send your wife to her parents place ...
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AN OPEN INVITATION. ... 
I most cordially invite you with all ur friends this Sunday at our home from 10am to 6 pm on the occasion of
House Cleaning for Diwali....plz dont say thanks and no excuses n no gifts pls
Swach Bharat we start here .....
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Laxmi ji ka vahan (ullu) unse ruth gaya aur bola...
"Aapki sab pooja karte hai.. mujhe koi nhi pujta"
Laxmi ji boli, "ab se har saal meri pooja se 11 din pehle tumhari pooja hogi"
Us din Ullu Pooje jayenge..
Tab se Diwali ke thik 
11 din pehle......... 
KARWA CHOWTH manaya jane lagaa...!
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A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. 'Right here,' she says,
'I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali.'
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, 'On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas.'
The owner looks at her. 'Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why
In the world do you want to do that?
Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to enjoy between Diwali and Christmas…
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NRI Poem
Na idhar ke rahe
na udhar ke
bich mei latke rahe
na INDIA ko bhul sake
na VIDESH ko apna sake
NRI ban ke kaam chalate rahe
Na GUJARATI ko chhod sake
na ANGREJI ko pakad sake
desi ACCENT mei goro ko CONFUSE karte rahe
na CHRISTMAS TREE bana sake
na baccho ko samjha sake
diwali per SANTA banke tohfe baantte rahe
na SHORTS pahen sake
na salvaar kamiz chhod sake
JEANS per kurta pahen ker itrate rahe
na garmi ko bhul sake
na SNOW ko apna sake
Khidki se suraj ko BEAUTIFUL DAY kehte rahe
ab aayi baari SURAT/AHMEDABAD/MUMBAI
jane ki toh
hath mei MINERAL WATER ki bottle leker chalte rahe
lekin waha per......
na bhel puri kha sake
na lassi pi sake
pet ke dard se tadapte rahe
harde aur isabgol se kaam chalate rahe
na machhar se bhag sake
na khujli ko rok sake
CREAM se dardo ko chhupate rahe
na idhar ke rahe
na udhar ke rahe
Kambakht kahi ke na rahe...
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Rajnikant Diwali joke..

Breaking news: ISRO does not exists anymore.....!! 
Rajanikanth purchased all the rockets for Diwali celebration!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wife - Yeh Babaji ka Thullu kya hai.
Husband - Tumne peechle Diwali kya Gift maanga tha.
Wife - Diamond Necklace
Husband - Ab tak kya mila
Wife - Kuch nahi
Husband - This is Babaji ka Thullu
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Aapke life mein mithaas ho "Cadbury" jaise..
Rounak ho "Asian Paints" jaise..
Mehak ho "Axe" jaise..
Tazgi ho "Colgate" jaise..
Aur tension-free rahe "Huggies" jaise..
"Happy Diwali"
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Amitabh - Mere Paas Rocket Hai,

Shurli Hai,

Chakri Hai,  

Murga Bumb Hai,

Anaar Hai,

Tumhare Paas Kya Hai?

Shashi Kapoor -

Mere Paas

MAA...Chis Hai! 

happy diwali advance ji"
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Toofani joke
3 Dost Diwali Ke Baad Mile...
1st :Mere Daddy 10,000 Ke
Patake
Laaye,
Humne 3 Ghante Tak Bajaye,
2nd: Mere Daddy 15,000 Ke
Pataake
Laaye
Thhe,
Humne 4 Ghante Tak Bajaye,
3rd:Daddy Ghar Par Nahin
Thhe...
Toh
Mera Bhai 5000 Ka Sirf Ek
Pataaka l
Laaya Aur Saari Raat Humne
Baari-
Baari
Bajayaa..
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Gubbarewala: Abbey ek toh tu pehle se hi itna Mota hai..
Upar se itna pakayega bhi toh koi ladki nahi pategi!
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Baccha: Pata ke dikhau?
Challenge?
November tak ruk ja!  
Gubbarewala: November tak kyu?  
Baccha: Diwali hai na!  
Gubbarewala: Toh? 
Baccha: Mere paapa mere liye patake layenge!
Tab dikha dunga tujhe Pata-ke!  
Gubbarewala: Hmmm! - 
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Desi Maalik Makaan: OK, mein tumko kiraya dene ke
liye aur 3 din ki mohlat deta hun.
Kirayedar: Theek hai ji, mein Diwali, Holi aur Chrismas
ke 3 din select karta hoon.
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उसकी Profile पर लिखा "Happy diwali"
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उसने भी Comment कर दिया "Same to you..."  
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बाद मेँ मैँने Post edit कर दी और लिख दिया " I LOVE YOU "
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इतनी सी बात पर BLOCK करने की क्या जरूरत थी ?? 
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Me chating with a girl
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Me- Hey I need a favour.
She- ha bolna
Me- mana to nahi karegi na
She- ha
Me- pakka na
She- ha pakka pakka
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Me - Wo DIWALI ayi hai to meri MOM ko saaf safai ke
liye tumhari help lagegi
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**BLOCKED**
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